Relator, Belonging and the Groups We Don’t Mean to Close
I found something really interesting recently, and it reminded me again that humans are fascinating and complex.
This is a post about belonging.
It is also a post about Relator, one of the CliftonStrengths themes we see more often in the 37 Millions people who have taken the assessment. Relator is such a beautiful theme. It is steady, loyal, honest and warm. It is the campfire you come back to. The place where conversation can move beyond the surface. The place where people can be known, not just introduced.
Like all talents, Relator has a light side and a dark side. It can help us and unintentionally hinder us.
The light, bright and powerful side looks like depth in trust, friendship and real connection, often with a smaller group of people, depending on the others talent themes around it.
The dark side, when it can trip us up, often completely unintended, is that the warmth inside the circle can sometimes make it harder for others to step in.
The Human Need to Belong
I was reading the feedback from the event we held recently. Around 100 coaches, for many, over three days together, all in one place at a resort in San Diego.
Overwhelmingly, people said they felt welcomed and connected. Connection was what mattered most to them. I am pleased to hear that given Connect is in the title of the community.
However, there were also one or two comments about how it felt a little harder to break into some groups. Some groups looked established and they were right.
Many of these relationships have been formed over ten years. People have met in person year after year at Gallup events when they ran and now 4 years at this event. Many have been meeting weekly on line, been part of coaches masterminds, accountability groups, dinners and deep conversations.
They are close and there is no denying that, and it’s not a bad thing.
In fact, in many ways, it is the whole point.
When people come back year after year, when trust builds over time, when friendships form that stretch beyond the event itself, that is not a failure of community. That is community working.
But it does create a tension.
How do we honour the depth of existing relationships without accidentally making new people feel like they are on the outside.
What We See and What We Don’t See
Someone said something to me afterwards that really hit the nail on the head.
This year, because we were mostly in one place, you could see the groups. You might see people eating together, sitting by a cabana chatting, or gathered around a fire. Last year, when we were in a city, if a group went out for dinner together, you probably would not have seen them unless you walked past the restaurant and they happened to be sitting in the window.
That is such an important distinction.
Sometimes exclusion is not new. It is just more visible.
That does not mean it is malicious. It does not mean anyone has done anything wrong but it does mean we have something to notice.
Belonging is not just whether people are welcome in theory. It is whether they feel able to step in. Gallup describes belonging as feeling respected, welcomed and valued, and links it to our human need for deep affiliation, connection, safety and survival.
The Moment I Missed
Digging into some of the feedback, specifically to understand some people’s experiences, I was having a conversation with an attendee who shared that they were sitting with another person in the bar area, and no one invited them in or came over to sit with them.
It’s sort of funny, not funny as I distinctly remember seeing the two of them sitting together. I remember looking over and thinking, “They look deep in conversation. I don’t want to disturb them.”
Had I known how they were feeling, of course I would have invited them in or joined them.
But that is the thing, we don’t always know how people are feeling.
We can look at two people in conversation and assume they are fine. We can look at a group laughing together and assume they are closed. We can look at a quiet person and assume they want space. We can look at a confident person and assume they do not need an invitation and sometimes we are wrong.
Relator as a Doorway, Not a Wall
Someone else shared that they went over to a group and said, “Can I join you?”
The answer was a resounding, “Of course.”
That did not surprise me. Strengths coaches are some of the nicest humans I have ever met. They focus on the positives, they see people as individuals, it’s probably helps that this group is very high in Individualization as a talent theme too.
I find myself continuously wondering about this question:
What would it look like to use our Relator not just 1% more, but 20% more?
Not to make every conversation bigger, not to turn every dinner into a networking exercise and certainly not to lose the depth that Relator loves but to make the doorway more visible to those who need it.
To look up from the conversation every now and then. To notice who is hovering nearby. To say, “Come and join us.” To ask, “Are you sorted for dinner?” To make room around the fire. To remember that being in a close group might feel lovely from the inside and intimidating from the outside.
Relator does not have to choose between depth and welcome.
It can be the very thing that creates both.
The Playground We Carry With Us
I also want to name something else.
For some of us, this stuff is not just about the event, the workplace, the meeting room or the dinner table. We are carrying old stories.
The playground stuff, the school stuff the name-calling. The feeling of not being picked. The group that turned away. The lunch table that had no space. The moment when everyone else seemed to know the rules except you.
So when we walk into a room and see a group already laughing, our adult brain may know they are probably kind and welcoming but another part of us might whisper, “Careful. You don’t belong there.”
That is why belonging is so powerful.
It is not fluffy. It is not soft. It is not a nice-to-have. It changes how safe people feel to contribute.
Gallup’s work on engagement has long pointed to the importance of people feeling connected, known and valued at work. People do not just want a job, they want to feel part of something. They want to know they matter, that they want to feel that there is a place for them.
That is true in communities.
It is true in teams.
It is true in leadership.
The Close-Knit Team That Didn’t Know It Looked Closed
A few years ago, I was working with a senior leadership team and the new HR Business Partner shared that she had been nervous about joining the team offsite because they were such a close-knit group.
The team was genuinely shocked to hear this when she admitted it to them.
They did not see themselves as closed. They saw themselves as friendly, supportive and connected and they were. However, from the outside, their closeness looked hard to penetrate, cliquey even. What felt like trust to them looked like a clique to someone new.
That moment became such a powerful and useful reflection for the team.
Not because anyone had done anything wrong, but because they suddenly saw themselves through someone else’s eyes. How might others see them? How would they like to been seen or talked about? What actions might need to change? Which of their other talents themes could they use WITH their Relator?
That is a powerful leadership lesson.
Sometimes the culture we are proud of can still be hard for others to enter.
For Managers and Teams
This is where Relator has so much to teach us in workplaces.
Managers often want trust, psychological safety, loyalty and honest conversations. They want people to bring their whole selves to work, contribute ideas, speak up early and care about each other.
But belonging does not happen because we put the word “inclusive” in a values statement.
It happens in tiny moments.
Who gets invited into the conversation.
Who gets the context before the meeting.
Who is included in the informal chat.
Who is checked in on after the difficult moment.
Who has someone say, “Come with me, I’ll introduce you.”
Who feels safe enough to say, “I’m new here, and I’m not sure where I fit yet.”
Close teams can be brilliant. They can move fast, support each other deeply and hold a lot of trust but close teams can also become hard to join if no one is paying attention to the edges.
That is not about blaming the people in the group.
It is about becoming more conscious of the group.
Positive Intent Goes Both Ways
I think there is something useful here about leading with positive intent.
If you are on the outside looking in, it may help to assume the group is not trying to exclude you (something I keep having to tell myself). They may simply be enjoying the ease of familiarity. They may be deep in conversation, they may not have seen you, they may assume you are okay.
Also, if you are on the inside of an established group, it may help to remember that your ease can look like a closed door to someone else.
Positive intent does not mean we ignore impact. It means we stay curious before we make a story. It also means we can take some responsibility for saying what we need.
“Can I join you?”
“I’m feeling a bit new, can I tag along?”
“I’d love to meet a few more people, are you heading to dinner?”
That may feel brave, for some people, it may feel really brave but belonging is often co-created. It is not only the group’s job to invite. It is also okay for us to ask for what we need.
Some Reflections for All of Us
If you are someone with strong Relator, or if you are part of a close team, friendship group or community, here are a few questions worth sitting with:
Where might our depth look like a closed circle from the outside?
Who might be assuming they are not invited, even though we would absolutely welcome them?
How can we keep the richness of trusted relationships while making it easier for others to step in?
When do I need to be brave enough to ask, “Can I join you?”
What would it look like to use Relator as a doorway, not a wall?
The Power of Being Invited In
Belonging is not created by one big gesture, It is often created by the small ones.
The spare chair pulled over.
The introduction made.
The message that says, “Come and sit with us.”
The Woo, Includer, Connectedness, Empathy, who notices the new person.
The team that pauses long enough to explain the in-jokes, the history and the acronyms.
Relator is the camp fire we come back to. Steady, warm, familiar and built for conversation with a bit more depth.
The invitation is to keep the fire burning, but make sure people can find their way to it.
Because the point of belonging is not just that we have our people.
It is that more people get to feel, “There is a place for me here too.”
I am making it my mission to help more coaches feel like they belong. To find their people to help them Connect, Learn and Share together.
As I already start thinking about 2027 event I would like to hear if you have ideas and activities that connect more people in meaningful ways, not fast and naff networking but real belonging.
Drop me a line if you have one.
