In the last piece, I shared how quickly we can slip below the line, moving into reaction, judgement and familiar roles like Victim, Villain or Hero.
Once you start to notice it, you see it everywhere.
I certainly do.
What I have also been noticing is how easy it is, in those same moments, to move out of curiosity and into advice.
There are certain voices that stay with you.
If you’ve spent any time in the coaching world, there’s a good chance one of those voices is Michael Bungay Stanier. His book The Coaching Habit has shaped the way so many of us think about coaching. It is simple, practical and, more importantly, it sticks.
There is one idea in particular that has stayed with me.
“Stay curious a little longer.”
It sounds simple, yet I find it is one of the hardest things to do consistently, especially in those moments where something needs resolving or feels a little uncomfortable.
I hear his voice in my head more often than I care to admit, usually at the exact point I am about to jump in with an answer, offer a suggestion or share what I think might help. That instinct is strong. As coaches we are trained to hold back, but as leaders, parents and humans we are often wired to step in. We want to help, we want to solve, we want to add value.
There is nothing wrong with that.
The challenge is that advice, especially when it comes too quickly, can shut down thinking. It can take away ownership and stop someone exploring their own answer. Without realising it, we move from being curious to being certain, and that changes the conversation.
Michael calls it taming the advice monster, and once you notice it, you start to see it everywhere.
I see it in coaching conversations, in team meetings and around the dinner table at home. I notice it in myself more than anywhere else.
There is often a moment when someone is sharing something and I can feel myself leaning in, ready with an idea or a solution. That is usually my cue to pause. Not always perfectly, but more often than I used to.
What makes this even more interesting (and challenging) for me is the dual role I often play. Many people engage me not just as a coach, but also for my advice. I move between coaching and mentoring regularly, and that line can blur if I am not intentional.
It is something I have been working through with my own ICF coach as I continue toward my MCC, (Master Certified Coach) ensuring the agreement up front is clear, checking in regularly and trying to be OK when its not Pure coaching.
This is where curiosity becomes a practical choice.
Instead of moving quickly into fixing or telling, it is about staying with the other person a little longer. Understanding more before responding. Asking questions that help them think, rather than replacing their thinking with ours.
This shows up in leadership every day. A manager solves a problem for their team member rather than helping them think it through. A colleague offers advice before fully understanding the situation. A parent gives direction instead of asking a question.
All well intentioned. Often less effective than we think. It’s also a lot less empowering and you end up taking on more of the heavy lifting. I wrote about this in the blog on delegation .
When I look at this through a strengths lens, it becomes even more interesting. Some strengths naturally lean towards action and problem-solving. Achiever wants to get things done. Responsibility steps up and takes ownership. Restorative is drawn to fixing what is not working. Command brings clarity and direction.
All of these are incredibly valuable.
What I notice is that without curiosity, they can tip quite quickly into telling, fixing or taking over. With curiosity, they show up very differently.
Achiever can push for pace and progress, sometimes moving so quickly that others struggle to keep up. With curiosity, it becomes more focused, channelling effort into what matters most and bringing others along.
Responsibility can take on everything, feeling the weight of ownership and finding it hard to let go. With curiosity, it starts to create shared ownership, inviting others in rather than carrying it all alone.
Restorative is naturally drawn to solving problems and can jump in quickly to fix things. With curiosity, it shifts to working alongside others, building capability rather than just providing the answer.
Command can come across as forceful or directive, especially under pressure. With curiosity, it becomes a productive challenger, bringing clarity and direction while still creating space for others.
Strategic can move quickly to solutions, seeing patterns and paths forward that others might not yet see. Without curiosity, it can skip over people in the process. With curiosity, it brings others into the thinking and helps them see the path too.
Analytical can question, test and look for proof, which can sometimes feel like challenge or resistance. With curiosity, it deepens understanding, helping the team make more informed and thoughtful decisions.
Connectedness can lean into meaning and bigger-picture thinking, sometimes in their own heads. With curiosity, it helps people see how their work fits into something larger, creating alignment and shared purpose.
Maximizer can see what could be better and push for improvement, which at times can feel like nothing is ever quite enough. With curiosity, it becomes about elevating what is already working and helping individuals and teams build on their strengths.
The strength itself has not changed. What has changed is how it is being used.
Staying curious a little longer is not always easy, especially in the moments where it would be quicker to jump in and solve.
It is often just a small pause. A question instead of an answer. Holding back long enough for someone else to find their own way.
So a few questions to sit with:
- What might be possible for you and your team if you stayed curious a little longer?
- Where might jumping in too quickly be taking away ownership or thinking?
- What could shift if you asked one more question before offering your view?
Here is to taming the advice monster a little longer with the pause button.
